one long yarn

it looks as though i'll just be coming here to complain after all. although, perhaps this isn't quite as much complaining as it is making a statement of fact... what's the difference? i'm exhausted, and i hardly care. i just for some reason don't want to forget how absolutely hard this is.

i began this lj desperately wanting to become a mother, and here i am. it is obvious and painful to me that this long-desired state of motherhood should now be brining with it such deep frustration. the boys are beautiful. throughout the days we spend together, we have plenty of moments of laughter and play, but by far, the dominant experience for me is one of... i can't even find the words... it's just so tiring. and their fussy behavior, especially little M, is testing me to the core. night time is a night mare. feeding them is riddled with emotion. the lactation consultant told me to start giving M lact-aids again because he's in danger of weaning early. i'm not pumping, i'm on a mission to find a formula that won't cause M to spit up so much, a mission which is so far a failure. part of me just wants to ditch this whole philosophy of parenting i have cultivated and go with the simpler american style of cry-it-out, crib sleeping, bottle feeding, independence-oriented parenting. but i won't. i can't. those things aren't for me, even if i am already having to use things like bottles. anyway, it might sounds completely judgemental so say these things... but i know they work for some people and honestly, i'm ok with that. i just wanted things to be different.

if you've been with me for a while, you will know that i did a lot of soul searching and healing on my way to being a mom. i thought i was a catalyst for change. i thought i was different than my parents in some fundamental way. but i feel myself being broken down, month by month, day by day... broken down by the hours of fussing, by the endless nights of one, two, three hours of sleep, by the orientation one must take to entertain two 7-month old babies and attend to their every need. how could this possibly be so hard? how could the test of being present be stripping me so bare? i find myself, at 1 or 3 or 5 in the morning, shaking with anger at yet another 1/2 hour of bouncing a baby, another time someone hasn't slept yet, and i feel so aware that this is just an emotion, and it will pass, and yet i am such a slave to it, it threatens to overwhlelm.

this aspect of mothering comes as a complete surprise. i know that there is a part of me that (and i say this begging your understanding) has not yet become resolved about the "burden" of having two babies at once. isn't that ridiculous? but all day long these thoughts creep upward in my mind, thoughts that it would be so much easier with one, jealousies about those who are parenting a singleton. it's ludicrous; i love both of my children, and i am astonished and grateful for them both. they're so different! they're so funny! they're so, so beautiful... how could i possibly continue to compare? and yet, i do.

this thing, i know, isn't about them; it's about me, encountering a whole different side of my ego that remained hidden until just now. it's just about this. i know it... i strive to be mindful. i pray for inspiration. i make the best choices i can all day long, but this is certainly a different experience than the one i expected. i have to remember it here. i have to admit it... because somehow i must move past it. and i will... i know i will.

shoot, it's been a really hard week. is it teething, personality, growing pains? i have no idea, but little maxy has been such a whiner - for days. and it's really, really getting under my skin. he woke up at 5 this morning, took a bottle, then whined until he finally fell back to sleep again at 7:15. oh, and shoghi was up from 3am until 4:30, so yeah, i'm in really good shape.

i hate to complain at all. i mean, shit, i tried for so long to have babies, and now that they're here, they're kicking my ass. it doesn't mean i'm not completely grateful for them - i love them beyond measure, i hope it goes without saying. it's just that there are days, there are many days, where i feel so overwhelmed by having two of them. they seem to require more of me by the day. i wanted this for so long, and now that i'm here, i don't (always) feel up to the task, and that kills me. i want to be a certain kind of mama, and i don't think my standards of what i want to be are too high, so when i fall so far short, it hurts.

can i also just say that we moved this week into a really nice house that has turned out to be one fucking disaster after another. i have never been so assertive, so forceful, so articulate with a landlord about just how screwed up a situation is. first, after we moved in, they told us to do a "walk-through" to find all the problems in the house. WTF???? so there have been a ton of them, we've been paying rent for a week now, and still are discovering issues. to name a few, the showers didn't have hot water, the dishwasher isn't working, and now there are ants. for fuck sake, why can't something just be easy? i just got off the phone with the landlord after threatening to get a lawyer. this after i had to pay them all 6 months of rent because i'm not working. don't i feel like a sucker? i think she's scared of me. good. she should be. i think my mama lion is coming out.

i guess between my two blogs, i'm going to seem a little dr jekll/ mr hyde-ish, but i feel more comfortable here to just vent a little. i promise to talk abotu the good stuff, too.  ;o)

it's been a long, long time since i've posted here. i've been trying to document life with my miraculous, beautiful babies here, while my little live journal has sat untouched. it's just that this space was always reserved for more private, more analytical thinking, and my brain just hasn't been working that way for a long time.

the boys are going to be 6 months old on sunday, and i am here in amazement. how did this happen? how did i go from that woman who was muddling through infertility and an unhappy marriage to this mother of two gorgeous children, a woman looking into the rest of her life with optimism and a sense of right-ness? it's incredible. still, there's a lot on my mind these days. i feel myself changing, my brain returning to a place of maybe being able to think about things instead of just reacting.

the final days of my marriage are here - zg and i will be finalizing our divorce this spring/summer. it can't come too soon for me, really, but life with twins is terribly busy and it's prevented me from getting the infformation i need to start the process. it's clear to both me and zg that we're over, though... if this wasn't abundantly clear already.

anyway, i've been wanting to give this old friend a little dusting, so here i am.

the happy update is on the pregnancy blog

tomorrow i finally go back to MFM for a check - first time since the bleeding episode, and i have to admit being rather anxious. despite my firm belief that the babies are fine, there still lingers the bitterness of past experience... triggered by the continued and mildly increased spotting. i know, i know, i know so many women go through this and go on to have healthy babies, and i believe that will be the case here, but still, i am scared. it's irrational and difficult to control. it's always under the surface, even after i meditate with them and feel their presence.

i'm seriously considering renting a doppler. they're not that much, and even though it's actually more radiation than an ultrasound, i would use it sparingly. just hearing their hearts beating would be reassuring. in fact, i'm pretty sure i'm not having an ultrasound tomorrow, unless the doc is alarmed or concerned by the continued spotting. i don't want to spend my pregnancy worried about them. i want to feel peaceful and confident, to believe in them and give them *that* experience of growing within me. i've been striving this week to develop that vision and maintain it, so i'm looking to tomorrow's appointment to give me the green light (again) to let go of this fear and embrace the joy and amazement that lies beneath.

13w5d

I have had heartburn at least 80% of all days for the past 10 weeks, and I'm worn down! I just want to cry in despair - I can't take it any more! But of course I can, and of course, I will.

Pregnancy isn't what I imagined it to be... blissfully rubbing a big wondrous belly. Feeling and watching the baby move. Maybe a touch of discomfort here and there. Clearly, I had an isolated moment in pregnancy planted into my mind as The Experience... and this daily reality is vastly different.

It makes me feel like a wimp, I have to say. The heartburn, the gagging and heaving, the nutritional requirements, the necessary water intake - all of this on top of physical exhaustion and a mind full of the details of a cross-country move - has me wanting to send up the white flag. But surrender to what, exactly? All of this discomfort is going to lead to bringing home two healthy babies, and that is what I've *really* been waiting for all this time. The reality of walking through this pregnancy, though, does have me a bit scared about handling twins on my own... I know that I'll have amazing support and am confident that I will find resources within myself I never knew existed, but yes, I'm scared.

Meanwhile, the spotting started up again - after 3 days of clear sailing, Monday came along and brought back the damned stuff. It's ok - it's just brown, but now it's 3 days of it, and it's wearing on me... just like the f*ing heartburn. I do believe it's all fine, but that doesn't mean that the occasional memory of pregnancies lost don't come creeping to mind. It just sucks. These kids have got at least 22 more weeks to cook, so they've got to behave (as does my body!) and stay put.

The (paradoxical) comfort through this is that I'm pregnant with two growing fetuses, emphasis on growing. It seems like they must be having a growth spurt because, wow, in the past several days, it seems like my tummy's bigger daily. I haven't had sister take another pic yet - sorry about that - we'll definitely celebrate hitting 14 weeks with a new one. I haven't gained any weight, but my tummy is humungous.The pants I was wearing in the last photo don't even fit any more!

So, that's where I'm at these days: burping, plagued by a burning esophagus, astonished at my belly!

ok, today things are back to (close to) status quo. i posted an account here, which includes what happened at the hospital on wednesday.

happy 13 weeks, babies!!

(taken from a post elsewhere)

I just got home after 6 hours out, so this is going to be the briefest update before I collapse in bed.

The twins are fine, though the continued spotting is regarded still as a threatened miscarriage. I was NOT happy to hear those words. One of their placentas is laying over the cervix, which is perhaps what's causing the irritation and bleeding. This of course is placenta previa, but this early it's not as much of a concern because it should move up higher as the pregnancy progresses. We didn't see any bleeding in the uterus, which is good. My cervix is fully closed, also a good sign since I've been bleeding now for more almost 36 hours.

So, the long and short of it is that there's still no explanation, but the twins are perfectly fine. I see them again in 2 weeks. Maybe when I'm not so exhausted this will all seem reassuring, but right now, I'm just annoyed and don't want to be bothered by people suggesting that this could lead up to a miscarriage.

scary day in pregnancy land - i had a pretty bad bleeding episode today, starting right as i got out of the shower this morning. long story short, i spent the morning with the RE and the rest of the day on my left side on the couch  at home,with sister clucking around me like the mother hen all day. that part was quite cute. the bleeding seems to have subsided for the most part.

tomorrow looks like a morning of more rest, w/an afternoon appt in philly with maternal & fetal med.

i'm actually, surprisingly, doing ok. saw the babies this morning, hearts beating and bodies wiggling, and after some reassuring btdt calls, feel like this might just be a 1-time thing. let's hope.

12w4d today, for the record. 1/2 way to viability if they were to come early... still hoping for 36-38weeks.

i'll keep in touch.

I'm tired of food shopping!

I want someone to do it for me, preferably while I sleep, lol! No, seriously, I just ate second breakfast about 90 minutes ago, and it's already time to start thinking about lunch. Unfortunately, the divine chocolate cake left over from Naw-Ruz dinner won't cut it... it might have 4g of protein, but my tally for the day is, um, only about 40g so far, and I need to get up to 175g. I'm really losing the the battle to consume such mass quantities of the stuff, even though it is my focus every single time I eat. Let's see, yesterday I probably got in about 90g, *maybe* 100g if I'm forgetting something. The thing is, if I overeat, I'm stuck with terrible heartburn and indigestion... so what's a pregnant girl to do?

I guess I'll have another glass of milk, that's what! Anyone have some extra short ribs hanging around? ;o)