one long yarn

it looks as though i'll just be coming here to complain after all. although, perhaps this isn't quite as much complaining as it is making a statement of fact... what's the difference? i'm exhausted, and i hardly care. i just for some reason don't want to forget how absolutely hard this is.

i began this lj desperately wanting to become a mother, and here i am. it is obvious and painful to me that this long-desired state of motherhood should now be brining with it such deep frustration. the boys are beautiful. throughout the days we spend together, we have plenty of moments of laughter and play, but by far, the dominant experience for me is one of... i can't even find the words... it's just so tiring. and their fussy behavior, especially little M, is testing me to the core. night time is a night mare. feeding them is riddled with emotion. the lactation consultant told me to start giving M lact-aids again because he's in danger of weaning early. i'm not pumping, i'm on a mission to find a formula that won't cause M to spit up so much, a mission which is so far a failure. part of me just wants to ditch this whole philosophy of parenting i have cultivated and go with the simpler american style of cry-it-out, crib sleeping, bottle feeding, independence-oriented parenting. but i won't. i can't. those things aren't for me, even if i am already having to use things like bottles. anyway, it might sounds completely judgemental so say these things... but i know they work for some people and honestly, i'm ok with that. i just wanted things to be different.

if you've been with me for a while, you will know that i did a lot of soul searching and healing on my way to being a mom. i thought i was a catalyst for change. i thought i was different than my parents in some fundamental way. but i feel myself being broken down, month by month, day by day... broken down by the hours of fussing, by the endless nights of one, two, three hours of sleep, by the orientation one must take to entertain two 7-month old babies and attend to their every need. how could this possibly be so hard? how could the test of being present be stripping me so bare? i find myself, at 1 or 3 or 5 in the morning, shaking with anger at yet another 1/2 hour of bouncing a baby, another time someone hasn't slept yet, and i feel so aware that this is just an emotion, and it will pass, and yet i am such a slave to it, it threatens to overwhlelm.

this aspect of mothering comes as a complete surprise. i know that there is a part of me that (and i say this begging your understanding) has not yet become resolved about the "burden" of having two babies at once. isn't that ridiculous? but all day long these thoughts creep upward in my mind, thoughts that it would be so much easier with one, jealousies about those who are parenting a singleton. it's ludicrous; i love both of my children, and i am astonished and grateful for them both. they're so different! they're so funny! they're so, so beautiful... how could i possibly continue to compare? and yet, i do.

this thing, i know, isn't about them; it's about me, encountering a whole different side of my ego that remained hidden until just now. it's just about this. i know it... i strive to be mindful. i pray for inspiration. i make the best choices i can all day long, but this is certainly a different experience than the one i expected. i have to remember it here. i have to admit it... because somehow i must move past it. and i will... i know i will.

shoot, it's been a really hard week. is it teething, personality, growing pains? i have no idea, but little maxy has been such a whiner - for days. and it's really, really getting under my skin. he woke up at 5 this morning, took a bottle, then whined until he finally fell back to sleep again at 7:15. oh, and shoghi was up from 3am until 4:30, so yeah, i'm in really good shape.

i hate to complain at all. i mean, shit, i tried for so long to have babies, and now that they're here, they're kicking my ass. it doesn't mean i'm not completely grateful for them - i love them beyond measure, i hope it goes without saying. it's just that there are days, there are many days, where i feel so overwhelmed by having two of them. they seem to require more of me by the day. i wanted this for so long, and now that i'm here, i don't (always) feel up to the task, and that kills me. i want to be a certain kind of mama, and i don't think my standards of what i want to be are too high, so when i fall so far short, it hurts.

can i also just say that we moved this week into a really nice house that has turned out to be one fucking disaster after another. i have never been so assertive, so forceful, so articulate with a landlord about just how screwed up a situation is. first, after we moved in, they told us to do a "walk-through" to find all the problems in the house. WTF???? so there have been a ton of them, we've been paying rent for a week now, and still are discovering issues. to name a few, the showers didn't have hot water, the dishwasher isn't working, and now there are ants. for fuck sake, why can't something just be easy? i just got off the phone with the landlord after threatening to get a lawyer. this after i had to pay them all 6 months of rent because i'm not working. don't i feel like a sucker? i think she's scared of me. good. she should be. i think my mama lion is coming out.

i guess between my two blogs, i'm going to seem a little dr jekll/ mr hyde-ish, but i feel more comfortable here to just vent a little. i promise to talk abotu the good stuff, too.  ;o)

it's been a long, long time since i've posted here. i've been trying to document life with my miraculous, beautiful babies here, while my little live journal has sat untouched. it's just that this space was always reserved for more private, more analytical thinking, and my brain just hasn't been working that way for a long time.

the boys are going to be 6 months old on sunday, and i am here in amazement. how did this happen? how did i go from that woman who was muddling through infertility and an unhappy marriage to this mother of two gorgeous children, a woman looking into the rest of her life with optimism and a sense of right-ness? it's incredible. still, there's a lot on my mind these days. i feel myself changing, my brain returning to a place of maybe being able to think about things instead of just reacting.

the final days of my marriage are here - zg and i will be finalizing our divorce this spring/summer. it can't come too soon for me, really, but life with twins is terribly busy and it's prevented me from getting the infformation i need to start the process. it's clear to both me and zg that we're over, though... if this wasn't abundantly clear already.

anyway, i've been wanting to give this old friend a little dusting, so here i am.

the happy update is on the pregnancy blog

tomorrow i finally go back to MFM for a check - first time since the bleeding episode, and i have to admit being rather anxious. despite my firm belief that the babies are fine, there still lingers the bitterness of past experience... triggered by the continued and mildly increased spotting. i know, i know, i know so many women go through this and go on to have healthy babies, and i believe that will be the case here, but still, i am scared. it's irrational and difficult to control. it's always under the surface, even after i meditate with them and feel their presence.

i'm seriously considering renting a doppler. they're not that much, and even though it's actually more radiation than an ultrasound, i would use it sparingly. just hearing their hearts beating would be reassuring. in fact, i'm pretty sure i'm not having an ultrasound tomorrow, unless the doc is alarmed or concerned by the continued spotting. i don't want to spend my pregnancy worried about them. i want to feel peaceful and confident, to believe in them and give them *that* experience of growing within me. i've been striving this week to develop that vision and maintain it, so i'm looking to tomorrow's appointment to give me the green light (again) to let go of this fear and embrace the joy and amazement that lies beneath.

13w5d

I have had heartburn at least 80% of all days for the past 10 weeks, and I'm worn down! I just want to cry in despair - I can't take it any more! But of course I can, and of course, I will.

Pregnancy isn't what I imagined it to be... blissfully rubbing a big wondrous belly. Feeling and watching the baby move. Maybe a touch of discomfort here and there. Clearly, I had an isolated moment in pregnancy planted into my mind as The Experience... and this daily reality is vastly different.

It makes me feel like a wimp, I have to say. The heartburn, the gagging and heaving, the nutritional requirements, the necessary water intake - all of this on top of physical exhaustion and a mind full of the details of a cross-country move - has me wanting to send up the white flag. But surrender to what, exactly? All of this discomfort is going to lead to bringing home two healthy babies, and that is what I've *really* been waiting for all this time. The reality of walking through this pregnancy, though, does have me a bit scared about handling twins on my own... I know that I'll have amazing support and am confident that I will find resources within myself I never knew existed, but yes, I'm scared.

Meanwhile, the spotting started up again - after 3 days of clear sailing, Monday came along and brought back the damned stuff. It's ok - it's just brown, but now it's 3 days of it, and it's wearing on me... just like the f*ing heartburn. I do believe it's all fine, but that doesn't mean that the occasional memory of pregnancies lost don't come creeping to mind. It just sucks. These kids have got at least 22 more weeks to cook, so they've got to behave (as does my body!) and stay put.

The (paradoxical) comfort through this is that I'm pregnant with two growing fetuses, emphasis on growing. It seems like they must be having a growth spurt because, wow, in the past several days, it seems like my tummy's bigger daily. I haven't had sister take another pic yet - sorry about that - we'll definitely celebrate hitting 14 weeks with a new one. I haven't gained any weight, but my tummy is humungous.The pants I was wearing in the last photo don't even fit any more!

So, that's where I'm at these days: burping, plagued by a burning esophagus, astonished at my belly!

ok, today things are back to (close to) status quo. i posted an account here, which includes what happened at the hospital on wednesday.

happy 13 weeks, babies!!

(taken from a post elsewhere)

I just got home after 6 hours out, so this is going to be the briefest update before I collapse in bed.

The twins are fine, though the continued spotting is regarded still as a threatened miscarriage. I was NOT happy to hear those words. One of their placentas is laying over the cervix, which is perhaps what's causing the irritation and bleeding. This of course is placenta previa, but this early it's not as much of a concern because it should move up higher as the pregnancy progresses. We didn't see any bleeding in the uterus, which is good. My cervix is fully closed, also a good sign since I've been bleeding now for more almost 36 hours.

So, the long and short of it is that there's still no explanation, but the twins are perfectly fine. I see them again in 2 weeks. Maybe when I'm not so exhausted this will all seem reassuring, but right now, I'm just annoyed and don't want to be bothered by people suggesting that this could lead up to a miscarriage.

scary day in pregnancy land - i had a pretty bad bleeding episode today, starting right as i got out of the shower this morning. long story short, i spent the morning with the RE and the rest of the day on my left side on the couch  at home,with sister clucking around me like the mother hen all day. that part was quite cute. the bleeding seems to have subsided for the most part.

tomorrow looks like a morning of more rest, w/an afternoon appt in philly with maternal & fetal med.

i'm actually, surprisingly, doing ok. saw the babies this morning, hearts beating and bodies wiggling, and after some reassuring btdt calls, feel like this might just be a 1-time thing. let's hope.

12w4d today, for the record. 1/2 way to viability if they were to come early... still hoping for 36-38weeks.

i'll keep in touch.

I'm tired of food shopping!

I want someone to do it for me, preferably while I sleep, lol! No, seriously, I just ate second breakfast about 90 minutes ago, and it's already time to start thinking about lunch. Unfortunately, the divine chocolate cake left over from Naw-Ruz dinner won't cut it... it might have 4g of protein, but my tally for the day is, um, only about 40g so far, and I need to get up to 175g. I'm really losing the the battle to consume such mass quantities of the stuff, even though it is my focus every single time I eat. Let's see, yesterday I probably got in about 90g, *maybe* 100g if I'm forgetting something. The thing is, if I overeat, I'm stuck with terrible heartburn and indigestion... so what's a pregnant girl to do?

I guess I'll have another glass of milk, that's what! Anyone have some extra short ribs hanging around? ;o)

Ok, folks, if you wan to keep up with the public (and  probably more frequently-used) blog, you can now find it here: 1+2=Love

I finally posted my 11w VIDEO of the ultrasound, and posted belly pics from just today! The first ones of the pregnancy!!

I'll be here when I need to write prvately, but mostly it'll probably be the other one. See you there!

Friday. Fridays are the day I get to change my pregnancy ticker on MDC, and today, I reached TEN monumentous weeks. I am beyond words that I'm ten weeks pregnant. Out of single digits - one quarter of the way through a full term (singleton) pregnancy. More than 1/4 through my actual twin pregnancy.

F is also for fetus. The babies today are now officially called fetuses, and this makes me get all teary. After all I've been through - after the years of trying, after the whole truckloads of negative home pregnancy tests, after the ectiopc pregnancy, the two miscarriages, the failed marriage... after all that, I am pregnant with two wiggling, growing, MIRACULOUS babies, and today they're no longer embryonic - today we start talking fetal development.

Now that I've told my grandparents, thus giving my own parents the green light to tell their friends and other relatives, I kind of feel like it's time to start  another, more public blog. This kind of scares the shit out of me, since I've been so unable to attend to the two blogs I already keep plus one that I am supposed to be a contributor to... but I really think it will be the best way for me to share the pregnancy with those near and far. This, however, will probably mean that I'll curtail my livejournal writing.

My body is definitely changing, and no, I still have not taken a single photo since getting pregnant. I know, I'm lame, but in my defense, I'm feeling a little strange about my semi-pudgy self and taking photos of my vulnerable belly. I will definitely be showing it off when it looks like a pregnant belly, but for now, it really just looks, well, fat... fatter than normal. ;o)  :sigh:

While on the topic of weight, I do seem to be doing well with following the weight gain guidelines for twins, which is 1.5 lbs a week. I had some catching up to do, but with PCOS on my side, the additional calories are sticking to me with no problems. The biggest hurdle now is to make sure of how much protein I'm getting... it's supposed to be 175g per day. I'm probably making it to just over a hundred now... so please let's pray for an end to the nausea (and now the puking), and a dramatic increase in appetite and cravings for meat.

I have to say, this morning while I was getting dressed, I reached for one of my regular bras that I haven't worn in a couple of weeks, and woah, nellie... the girls didn't fit. It was actually kind of comical! I didn't realize I'd grown so much already! Ha!

So, that's the scoop for me. 10 weeks pregnant folks!

Dear Ben.adryl and Suda.fed,

OK, I was going to write a clever tribute to my old friends decongestant and sinus pain reliever, but really? I'm in too much pain. For a couple of weeks now, I've been ignoring the building pressure in my forehead and behind my eyes... due in part to this pregnancy congestion that's been with me from the get-go, but also, no doubt because I've been eating a lot of wheat. Now, under normal circumstances, eating wheat is a recipe for a migraine 24 hours later, but since getting pregnant, I've been given a great reprieve from this consequence. And since I'm too tired to do much of anything, I've been relying on the healthiest frozen and convenience foods I can lay my hands on. Which means eating wheat every day.

(For the record, my sister is being an enormous help to me. She cooks dinner pretty often, which is miraculous. Of course, if I was all alone, it would be fine and I would get by, but it's so helpful to have her here... to cook and wash the dishes (no dishwasher in this blasted apartment), to wake me from naps, and to generally keep a festive mood when I can't see beyond the physical aspects of first trimester pregnancy.)

Anyway, the point is, I'm feeling pretty miserable, and I don't know what I can do to fix it! I came home from work early on Wednesday with a bad headache, and today I haven't even changed from my pajamas, my head hurts so much... even after another 2-hour nap.

Here's what I've tried so far: wheat detox, saline nasal spray, rest, lots of water. How's it going? Not so well. Obviously.

So here's my question: how did you deal with sinus pain without the normal go-to drugs when you were pregnant or avoiding taking such meds?

On a brighter note, I have to say, this week's ultrasound was transformative. I've been haunting youtube looking at people's videos of their own 9-week ultrasounds, just so I can see that baby wiggle again. It was amazing, and makes me feel so much more aware of these wee ones growing and stretching and becoming the people they will become. And despite the discomforts, I am astonished to be pregnant, and so very moved to be preparing to be a mother. It does seem that this long, long journey to motherhood that started for me all the way back in the rain forests of Brazil in 1990 is about to come to fruition.

Oh, and PS, Happy Ayyam-i-Ha!

For your viewing pleasure and mine, here are the results of today's ultrasound!!

A is positioned at the very top of the uterus, so it was harder to get a clear shot. I did make sure to get one of them together today:


Here's Baby B, since I got to see her/him first today! Measuring in at 9w3d, s/he's growing perfectly and actually WIGGLED! Wow, that was so incredible - watching my baby move inside me!!

Hmmm, my notes on the photo are kind of blurry - they show where the head, bottom and perhaps the feet are in the shot...



Finally, here's Baby A, all tucked into her/his own little corner... Growing perfectly, though, with a fast and steady heartbeat.



There you have it! I'm one happy mama!

She said I could still come back to see her in 2 weeks if I wanted to, so I jumped at the chance. I'll be meeting the nurse practitioner at the OB practice on 3/12, and then back to see Dr Awesome on the 14th for a final check before she discharges me. I also asked them to check my thyroid today, since I've been feeling a little breathless and have had episodes of a racing heart. I want to make sure that's all ok. The nice, confirming news today was that now my chances of miscarriage are UNDER THREE PERCENT. Brilliant. Not that I'm even worried - I think these kids are sticking around.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention - today's ultrasound also confirmed that they each have their own placenta, which means they're fraternal twins for sure! YAY!

One more week and they graduate from embryos to fetuses! GO BABIES!

Today, for those who are counting, I'm 8w4d... Nine weeks is imminent! I am stunned and excited to be here, feeling consistently crappy, without *any* spotting whatsoever. It seems like a miracle to me at least 8 times a day - in other words, every time I go to the bathroom and confirm that nothing unforeseen is happening. I am highly confident in the pregnancy, but there's still a part of me that can't shake the habitual fear that it will turn out like the others. I don't even want to write those words, but it's how I feel, so there you have it.

On Thursday I'm going for my next ultrasound, and I presume it will be my last with the RE. I will be asking her 1) if she can determine that these little sprouts are fraternal or not (my donor does have a history of identical twins in his family), 2) to check my thyroid (I have had hyperthyroidism in the past), and 3) to make sure she gets an u/s shot showing both of them. I'm so excited about this scan, because there's a chance the babies will already be moving. Isn't that incredible? They're about an inch long now, and already have all their perfect fingers and toes!

Now, I know that if this next scan is fine, my chance of losing the whole pregnancy falls to under 10% (I think that's the number - it could actually be lower). What I really want to know, though, is - is this a good time to start telling people? Namely, I want to tell my grandparents. I've said this before, but I have 3 grands still with us, all in their mid 80s. They've known about my other experiences - in fact, I was at Grandma and Grandpa B's when I learned I was pg in 2006, so they knew from the outset. This time, I was feeling more protective of them... I didn't want to have to give them any bad news. Nine weeks seems pretty secure, right? Especially since I've had ultrasounds already, and have had no indications of problems. What do you think?

Other curiosities are starting to pick up now... like when I'll start showing. I read last night that I should be showing by 14 weeks... but of course everyone's different. My pants don't fit comfortably any more, and haven't for more than a week, but I am making efforts to gain weight (which are working), so that's not a big surprise. I'm also starting to read more about mandatory hospital interventions with twin births, which make me both sad and nervous... I'm wondering what OHSU is like and what other options I might have in Portland. I'm going to have a lot to do once I get there in May!

Finally, the trip... still very much in the air. I'm now considering selling my car and getting rid of 70% of my stuff - shipping the rest of it and flying to Portland. Hopefully sister will be able to afford a plane ticket. Even if she ends up saving her money for the starting up period in the new location, flying us both there could be cheaper than paying for her and her friend to drive x-country with a u-haul trailer while I fly ahead of them. I have a 2004 Mitsubishi Outlander with just under 50k miles on it, so I should get a pretty good sum for it.

A friend has suggested that I do a very thorough analysis of the cost of replacing everything in PDX and whether that will be cost-effective. This is of course the way to go, but honestly, I am struggling right now just to have the energy to pay my bills on time and maintain some loose foothold on my budget, which has been completely blown now that I'm spending twice as much money on groceries every week. I simply don't know when I'll have the time or energy to do that in the next week, since that's pretty much how quickly I need to decide what I'm doing. This type of critical, logical thinking is clearly not my forte -I even talked it out with ZG (the ex) over the weekend. Any and all thoughts on this are warmly welcomed.

ETA: MUST CLARIFY!! Although the above might have come across as whiny, that's not how it was meant! I actually do think the idea of making an informed decision is the right way to go, and somehow I'll figure it out. I sat down with sister last night and told her about this new possibility, and she was open to helping me figure some of this out. I think tonight we're going to make a list of open questions, and she's going to research these while I'm at work. I did check the value of my car, and I guess I could get about 9k for it here - that's a little lower than the blue book value because there's some paint damage.

Anyway, thanks for your help and comments! I know I'll get this figured out with all of your thoughts and ideas to bolster me on!  ^_^

I haven't taken a picture of it yet, but I got an awesome fortune that I wanted to share... it said: You can depend on the trust of the collective. Since that's kind of how I see the power of my friends, it was a special thing to pull from a cookie!

It still looks like a small number, but here I am, feeling very amazed about being eight weeks pregnant. Today we have an unexpected snow day, so I'm home, realizing the value of the distraction that work brings with it. Being home, I just want to give in to feeling yucky and go back to bed! It's definitely hard to keep eating when I feel so generally gross.

I definitely recognize that I've been lucky as far as morning sickness goes. I am feeling nauseas every day, but there's been minimal gagging, and no barfing. The new thing that's happening I assume has to be growing pains of my uterus... I'm getting pinching pains all day long. I swear, sometimes I feel a hint of growth happening. I wonder how long it will be before I can feel it from the outside - how long it will be before I start to show. I hear it can come pretty early with twins.

Things continue to go well... I'm really feeling pregnant (i.e. nauseas, exhausted) and this makes me confident in the babies' development. I've been remiss in not putting up the last u/s pics, but in my defense, I'm not doing very much these days. I go to work, come home and go straight to bed for a nap, and then just try to motivate myself to make something for dinner and then stay awake until it's late enough to excuse myself and go back to sleep.

I've been observing the changes in my body, and honestly, I just feel so proud of my body right now.  Seeing these changes, even the ones that aren't pretty, like my zitty face, make me wish that I was sharing this time with someone intimately. It makes me sad in some ways that my ex isn't with me to witness my changing body, to take part in this joyful and magical time that we struggled so much to attain. I don't necessarily feel lonely - sis is here and is very loving and glowing with the joy of the pregnancy with me, but I'm not going to pull her aside and say "hey - check out how my b.bs are changing!" we just don't have that kind of sisterly relationship, though I have friends who absolutely would be like that with their sisters!

On the other hand, I am enjoying a relatively stress-free time, which I have to assume is why things are working out. I only have myself to be tense with, my own habits to be annoyed by... and that is so very much easier to handle than the constant strain with my ex. It's so nice, not having to "answer" to anyone... to be listening to myself to determine what I need, and then acting on it. It's a totally new orientation to living, and I like it!

I won't be having another ultrasound this week... not another one until 9 weeks (next week!). And although my first prenatal appointment is scheduled for mid-March, I am going to call and get on someone's calendar sooner... hopefully in the next week. I just really feel like I need to talk to someone about this twin pregnancy, especially about the timing of my move to Portland, when I will be 20-22 weeks already. At this point we have another driver lined up - sis's best friend from San Fran will be flying to Boston to drive with us x-country, or to drive with sis alone if we all think I would be better off flying. So at least I don't have to worry about that now.

Well, it's getting late for this mama-to-be... I'm gonna hit the hay. I have to work tomorrow, 9-3 and then have an appointment @the dentist at 3:15, so that's a very long day.

Sorry, still haven't photographed the new scans yet... the bummer is that there's not one of the two of them together, and they look so blobby! Anyway...

it's Saturday, and despite the plan of going out to do Whole Foods shopping today, I've decided to take the whole day and do.... nothing. I've been sitting here on the couch since I pulled myself out of bed, and finally decided that if I want to stay here the whole day, I will. I'm tired, and *just* getting over a long bout of nausea. Besides, I'm growing 2 babies, so I figure (or at least sister keeps telling me) I don't need any other excuse.

After putting up this post, I'm going to get my wool socks and my pillow, and cozy up here on the couch and watch a movie. Maybe I'll even be extra indulgent and call in pizza for lunch... ok, I probably won't do that (too much risk of a wheat migraine), but boy, it's tempting.

So this is what is feels like to really be pregnant, huh? Hooray for feeling pregnant!!! zzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz...

Just a quick, on-the-run post to let you know that everything was perfect this morning. Both babies were so amazingly perfect... and seriously starting to LOOK like something other than a line... We could see their miraculous bodies and yolk sacs in their little perfect gestational sacs. Their hearts? I could see them without her even zooming in. It was magical.

Too bad my printouts aren't too terrific... I'll post them later, but they're nowhere near as clear as the live monitor was.

Happy Valentine's Day indeed.

It's Wednesday, which means I'm all a-twitter, waiting on the edge of my seat for tomorrow's ultrasound. When ary99 wrote to me that she looked at those early u/s as blessings, it really threw a switch for me, and now I can't wait! I want to see those 7-week sprouts! I want to see their perfect hearts beating again and look at how they've grown. Truth be told, at about mid-day excitement turned to worry, but I seriously have no reason for concern, as everything continues to move right along...

I'm feeling queasy (alternating with heartburn) pretty much every day now though thankfully it's not enough for feeling barfy. I've lost all the swollen ovary weight from the OHSS (8lbs!), so I'm back to my pre-cycle weight and very pleased about that. Now if I gain weight, it will just be welcome baby weight!

I'm having a hard time getting on the eating train. The promised hunger of multiples isn't here yet, and in fact I feel rather unappetized. I think I actually pissed someone off at my office yesterday when I went out and got a quarter pounder for lunch... I felt so judged for making one terrible food choice. She doesn't see all the cooking I'm doing at home. Anyway, who cares, right? I probably haven't had that kind of crap food for a year. I'd better get used to disapproving looks, as a single mama by choice, right? lol

Meanwhile, I'm very much enjoying the new line of dreams that are making their way into my mind! I've never had these kind of love-dreams, and these are just full of delightful first kisses, flirtations and more. It's seriously lovely. I enjoy that my mind is providing these experiences of love while I don't have that in my life.

Finally, my hair and skin have been transformed, and not in a good way. My sis says it's the "lady hormones" and I'm sure she's right... my PCOS body has been deprived of proper lady hormones, and now I look like an oily-skinned teenager. I swear, my hair, which is usually kind of wavy and thick, is lying flat on my head like a limp helmet as soon as I dry it. I even stopped using conditioner to see if it would help, to no avail. And my face? I've had more pimples in the last three weeks than I've had in the last three YEARS!

I'll take it, though... it's all acceptable trade for two gorgeous, miraculous hearts beating steadily tomorrow. Just keep in mind that I have to go from the u/s right to work, so if I don't post until tomorrow night, it's not a cause for concern! You know you can always email me.